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Posts tagged ‘feelings’

Rants & Raves of a Dissented Being

Day by day my usefulness drops.. I am slowly being pushed to the dogs, being thrown out to the rain and discarded unceremoniously like a used teabag.. When will this torture end? When will it stop?. I have accepted the fact that I will never love someone neither will I ever be loved. I have also accepted that my fate in life is to be a loner, I will never have that special friend.. But really?. Take away my pseudo purpose of life? Is that fair?. Isn’t that hitting below the belt?. Kicking a man on the ground.. Am I really that much of a burden to everyone that I’d rather be dumped like a hot potato?. Why take away the only pride I have left of being called a human?.

Why not then have created me to be an animal? Animals have no senses except physical senses, so why not one?

I am not ungrateful for giving me this chance but it is a complete waste. I ask all the deities of this universe, am I really that unworthy? Then why did you create me in the first place? Wouldn’t it have been better to just let me remain in that state of nonexistence?. Or if I am a mistake isn’t it best that then action be taken to immediately correct it by wiping me off the universe? Or do the deities have a sense of pleasure from watching me suffer? Why? Or will taking me away show that you have finally acknowledged my presence?.

If that’s the case then let me unburden you with that by slowly killing myself in all aspects before taking the final step and doing it physically. At least by then two birds will have been killed with one stone: I will have been wiped off the universe and two, your hands will be free of bloodshed. Should I turn to atheism? No because I know that YOU exist. My other option is being agnostic. However, I know you are usually involved in human life. Except mine so agnostic won’t cut it. So I’ll make my own version of being agnostic, self-agnosticism.. That will cover my school of thought..

Am I seeking attention from others? Far from it. I hate being in the limelight, preferring to work from the shadows where no one can see. I hate when people call me good and nice because I know I am not. Introvercy is my nature so the further away I am from people the better I function. But unfortunately I was created a human and not a hermit crab so I do need company once in a while. Why? Why all this conflicting ideologies in me? I hate everything about my life… As I of late say at times death does seem sweeter than life….

Emptiness

Why is it of late,
I’m always in this state?
I look around
From the sky to the ground,
Left and right; up and down,
From country to town,
Yet it isn’t found..
A silence to smother this sound,
Of loneliness. Emptiness
Yes bitterness
At myself at the world.
I crave for this hole
To be filled up and make me whole..
My life I detest, for I hate the pretext
Of putting on my best
Façade
I don’t want to fake it..
I want to be real.
Yet social norm’
Dictate all, yes into the home
I always pray for it,
Yes I’ll repeat, iterate and reiterate,
Ingeminate and replicate.
But of late
Human company I start to hate,
Though it I still do crave.
Is it me you want to save?
Then help me fill up this hole in my heart
Before I fall apart
And become a hollow
For at my heart it does claw
Wounding me deep and wide
Eating me from the inside.
Therefore I cant hide
From this inner demon
Haunting, plaguing, tormenting..
Come perform an exorcism
But not with what it would seem
A religious point of view
Though I’ll leave it up to you.
You’ll decide what to do
Because I am all empty and hollow……

DEATHLY THOUGHTS

Back to the shadows I go,
I let the darkness flow,
Meld to the darkness,
To stifle this sadness
Of My existence denied, therefore I am exiled,
I’m a nobody, Acknowledged by none
This feelings of worthlessness weigh like a tonne,
From within I am weak
From without I can’t seek
In the inside I am but dead
To the outside I am just dead
So as I am dead to all and me
What’s to stop my soul running free?..
Death is once again the only way,
For I don’t want to see another day..
You can judge me I really don’t care
For its too late I’m already there..
Past the point of no return
Where playing dead is more than fun..
Do I blame you, no I can’t..
Though it is really your blame..

RANDOM WORDS

It is ironical,
That at the beginning,
I decide to end;
Nothing but whimsical,
Flitting feeling’
Do my emotions send,
To my brain, to my body
Like a shot of hot toddy.
Not intoxicating,
But sobering.
Analyzing, scrutinizing,
Every movement, every motion
Causing a mental remotion
Demolition, demotion
More of an indevotion.
Thus locomotion
Shall come to a fatal attraction…
Therefore full speed ahead
Until I’m dead
As my Nindou
I’ll not give up..

DEATH WISH

Full of sorrow, full of pain

They do grow like an ink stain

What do I do what do I say?

Looking at the horizon,

Waiting for the day,

Cherishing the reason

To let life slip away

From my body to wherever it came from.

It’s a ship in the mid of a storm

Trying its best to stay afloat

Smashed and crashed by the waves

Going to and fro

Tossed hither and thither

And though it has an anchor

The link is just too weak to do any good

Like a homeless man pleading with a banker

Yes I’m feeling sour and bitter

Looking down at all the graves

Wishing on Hades could I dot…

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