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Archive for September, 2016

Top Three Douchiest Things People Post On Social Media Part Two

The fact that people take precautions to defend selfies with passive aggressive hashtags in their captions shows that they instinctively know it’s douchey. Hence the aforementioned. This is the proof in the douchebag pudding. This is why the constant selfie taker is a douche… Someone gotta read this.. Not my words..

tonysbologna : Honest. Satirical. Observations.

As I type the keyboard shakes with growing intensity; the footsteps of the impending masses are truly felt before they are heard. Part two of Top Three Douchiest Things People Post On Social Media sheds light on the Jewel of the Social Media Nile; The Selfie. Shots fired.

Seflie wonka

Douchey Tendency Number Two: The Everyday Selfie Taker

Selfies are a lighting rod issue: they are simultaneously, all the while beautifully, loved and loathed by the masses. If you will they are Yin and Yang. We love selfies, love taking them, love captioning them, love critiquing them and most importantly love the ego stroke we receive when someone “likes” them. Everyone with a smartphone takes selfies and sometimes we actually need to. I’m aware life happens. You just bumped into Will Smith, I get it. Proudly take that selfie and upload that shit. I’ll “like” it, maybe even write a comment. Carpe…

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OF SOCIAL MEDIA & MEDIUMS

Yes I am at it again, another rant and rave of your only Deity of the Universe of Infinite. I was going to brush this under the carpet but when it affected my gigai I couldn’t turn a deaf eye nor a blind ear to the matter anymore. Want to guess what my issue is? Guess you wouldn’t given a million years. Before I vent my frustration at the regression of the human race more specifically the Sapiens sapiens species, let us take a short walk through History. Yes yes, I am allowed to do that as Time falls under Infinity. And no it isn’t time travel so wipe that Mephistophelean smile off your face, I don’t want to have real live Dr. Whos and Rose Tylers.

The year will be 1876 and the smart ones already know. Yes your mental projections will be visiting Sir Alexander Graham Bell; the father of the telephone. The Aegyptopithecus to the smart phone you hold in your palm now. He patented the first practical working telephone. However, though the inventor or not depending on what history you listen to, he found the telephone a nuisance and kept it in his study. Though not evolved he could still see its danger.

Fast forward to the future. Now I know many of you are sharpening your pitchforks and stoking the fire ready for a witch-hunt or more appropriately a deity hunt, hoping to catch me and roast me well well-done. I would tell you to save your energy but you wouldn’t listen. Just like all the witches you burned during the Dark Ages who lied to you they died?

Tags, more so #tags are my pet peeve. The humans of this era are so into their Smartphone that one would be forgiven for thinking that Smartphones are their deities while in realty they are theirs stakes.

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Likes comments and hash tags are the lifeline of such. When Bell made the telephone, he had no idea that the # would gain such prominence. Even the * button isn’t that button anymore. All that is left is for all mobile phones to unanimously agree that there should be a dedicated # button like the windows key on most comps

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#Bell #telephony #Blogging #Writinginbed #Coffee #cofeeholic #Righthandwriting #Multitasking #Textingbae #history #research #MondayBlues #BedManenos #PhilosophicalTings (Yes I wrote tings instead of things) #MyBrainBetterThanYours #WritingIsBae #BloggingIsBae #ThoughtsUnderAMosquitoNet #AfterSundayTings #I’mSoSmart #HP #TypingInBed #DUI #DILLIC?

Yes all those #tags apply to this gigai as he types away. Seriously? You don’t #GiveADamn and I #Don’tCare. Very soon, the # in any tag shall be counted as a separate word in essays et al. #Change.

Look, you might think that #tagging makes you look all cool and such but honey baby, honey is only delicious to lick the first four times after that you get sick of it. It just shows your; yes your level of intellect and maturity is at #AllTimeLow. Yes some #tags do actually help a cause but only one out of every say 100? The rest are just piles upon piles of egotistical, egocentric, extrovert, self-seeking, selfish tags. (Feel free to #tag each individual word.) This reminds me of a certain dance movie I watched, where in the dance camp there was this super famous dance crew and the lead #tagged everything. As you can guess I didn’t finish watching the movie.

#MirrorNotLie #BathroomSelfies are some of the more annoying tags I encounter on a daily basis. Since you can’t beat them let me add a few #tags and hope they will pick pace and trend okay? #LavatoryLove #FaecalFacts #GOTPeeson1 #CeramicThrone #ShittySounds #Dr.Poo #GreatFartscapade Do I continue or stop? So far three main sites are responsible for the #tag phenomena HeadBook the Social networking site, that chirping micro blogging site Chirp Chirp! With its red sparrow and the extroverts’ paradise InstaGlam the photo-showcasing site.

Post photos all you like but don’t make the #tags take up more space than the photo itself. If the madness had been contained in the Internet I would not be really mad but when it spills over to WorstApp I scream. Then some of you have #tags so ingrained in you that even in SMSs I receive #Mpesa #OkoaJahazi #Kisses #IKR #I’mSleepy, and my agent sends a text saying “End month is approaching #RentCollectionManenos”, this is where as the Deity of the Universe of Infinite I become stark raving mad. #tags in texts? Come on! What next? #tags in speech and conversation.

 

Sandra: Hi dad so I managed to create the mountain ranges in the third planet though not as high as the Himalayas

Me: Hi there Sandra I am proud of you. #FatherDaughterIntellect I see. Well you are the daughter of the #DUI

Sandra: Uhm Okay. By the way your citizens miss you already they ask when will you be back.

Me: I #Miss them too. Tell them tomorrow is a #PublicHoliday and they can have #FunTime with #Family #Friends and #Bae.

Sandra: Okay I will try and do that but are you okay?

Me: I definitely am #Healthy just #WorkingOut #NoDoctor.

Sandra: Dad are you sure you haven’t caught one of those weird human diseases? What’s with all the #tagging in our conversation?

Me: #NeverBeenBetter #JustSpeakingLocalLanguage #GottaGo #LoveYou and #TTYL

She hung up on me before I got to the #GottaGo tag.  That conversation was not only #Ridiculous but also #Crazy #Insanity #Idiotic. She sent me a #tag free text telling me that she predicts that human communication shall revert to grunts, hieroglyphs and cave paintings very soon. Your voice boxes shall become vestigial organs and your mouths shall be for eating and maybe kissing if any of you shall remember how to do it. But I am sure you will just Googol it. Not that #ICare what happens to the #HumanRace. It is your pathetic miserable lives anyway not mine.

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Until Next time from your Introverted yet Man of the People and Observant Deity of the Universe of Infinite and Hashtag free being:

 

#GOODBYE

Still Coloured!

Now this piece is one that as Deity, though distancing myself from social issues and ills of this blue-green planet, heartily agree with the writer.. The few times this has happened to me, I have managed to speak perfect British English to the perpetrator leaving him confused as to whether I’m black or white 😏 😁

Africa etc.

Hot mid-morning scorching sun overhead my protruding forehead as I wait for the rest of my team to join me outside of a landmark building at a well known CBD location in Nairobi. I feel a slight vibration on the side of my big nude handbag, which signals me that my team is about to arrive.As I scuffle with my handbag’s residents to get my tools of trade, my team approaches.Two dapper looking young men who have gained favour from the gods of age to look deceitfully younger and a trim bodied lady who also didn’t look a day past 21. At most! Together, the four of us looked like that fantastic four. Only this version was that of the unfocussed campus (if not high school) ne-er do wells who lacked motivation, drive and vision. Did I say it was HOT? And don’t get it twisted either, we looked very…

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Why I stopped

I so relate to this post

Of Being a Customer

customer

 

This is a disturbed Deity trapped in a gigai on this blue green planet. I have been MIA as you earthlings wold put it for a while- for inexplicable reasons only known to me. I did manage to go back to my home universe albeit for a short time. I am glad that my daughter has been running things well in my absence. Why did I come back, you ask? Well this deity bent a few TSM rules- for the greenhorns that’s Time Space and Matter. Being a deity I am not allowed to break rules.

Anyway, that is the little news I brought from home for those who are cat curious about my UI. So what will I rant about today? American elections? Negative- deities and politics don’t mix. TICAD? Nope, I haven’t installed a consulate in Japan and versa vice or however you humans say it. Spate of earthquakes in East African region? Ahem I might have been slightly responsible for that. Emphasis on MIGHT. Rio Olympics? DILLIC?? Nope it is about a human phrase:

 

THE CUSTOMER IS KING

Yes I know that it is the customer who brings in the well needed money to run the ship. However unlike kings, not all the customers have infinite pockets apart from yours truly. Now what is my pet peeve this time? I heartily disagree with that statement- stick with me and don’t leave the page yet because if you do, the following makes you the quintessential paradigm.

Threat worked? Perfecto! Ever gone to an eating establishment more so the starred ones and notice how people gormandize, satiate, devour and engorge? I wouldn’t blame you if you thought that you,d been dropped off at the zoo during lunch hour. There are rodents who nibble, horses that pig down their food, pigs that horse down their food, mosquitoes and butterflies that suck using their proboscis, the pecking woodpecker, the picky feline, the all-nivorous bear that eats all and sundry, the panda that eats and then sleeps on the spot….. The list is as endless as the Insecta order.

So yes we all have that inner beast in us whether Venetian or Martian. However try to control that inner demo- ahem beast. Some ‘kings’ will eat like they are being chased by dragons, spilling food left right and centre. others leave 90% of the food on the plate as if they are damsels in distress, et al. Trust me, no one wants to eat your touched food especially not the FDA agents- both the literal and alternative agents. My advise eat like a king- a courteous dignified stately KING.

My second peeve is Smokers.

I place smokers in the same category as murderers, thieves and terrorists oh and doctors too. Yes, I have said it, now go swallow a blade and hang. You all know that smoking affects those near the smoker. Passive smoking is just as if not more dangerous than direct smoking. If you want to blacken your lungs I have no qualms with that but do it on a far way place, preferably Pluto and beyond. Before I forget, you’ll never see a terrorist walk up to you and casually ask, “Hey mate, might you be having an IED or a few hand grenades on you?” My point? Carry your own tools of trade for your vices. Meaning if you smoke carry your own lighter.

With those few sentences I am off to resume my hibernation until that friggin idiotic polar bear in the Equatorial region shall shut their deep freezer.

Written by your ever loving, Man of the People, Bender yet Follower of Rules & DUI, sleep writing deity

Deity of the Universe of Infinite

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